Apul Patel2019-08-02T14:12:03-07:00

Democratic 2020 Presidential Candidates Ranked by Merchandise

When you’re running for president, it’s not enough anymore to simply have a robust web site with a “donate now” button. You need to sell merchandise, and that stuff (mostly junk) needs to feature a message that sticks with voters. All but one of the top Democratic candidates for president […]

August 2nd, 2019|

What I’m Buying With My Equifax Settlement Windfall

Back in 2017 the credit reporting bureau Equifax suffered a data breach so massive that it could be seen from the deepest depths of outer space. They’ll now have to get right with their god (the Federal Trade Commission), and settle with everyone who got screwed over. For most people, [...]

July 29th, 2019|

So Much Costco Cock: Three Rotisserie Chicken Halves for $6

I tell anyone when the subject of Costco comes up — it is the happiest place on earth. It is adult Disneyland. Every trip to their cavernous warehouses is marked with joy, wonderment and discovery. My visit today was no different. One of the retailer’s famous offerings is a whole [...]

July 24th, 2019|

Taco Bell’s Reaper Ranch Sauce Not Claiming Bodies

I love Taco Bell, but they’re currently playing a cynical game of shenanigans with their Steak Reaper Ranch Fries Burrito and Steak Reaper Ranch Fries Supreme. The fast food chain declares that both items have “heat that can't be contained”. Sadly, this is true, because all the damned heat appears [...]

July 12th, 2019|

Burger King Taco: I’ve Met You Before

Here’s a nocturnal tradition enjoyed by many a soul following a raucous night of excess: You’re inebriated, not ready to call it a night, and dying from hunger. You coax someone who is sober-ish to drive your ass, your significant other/side piece, and/or other useless enablers to the nearest Jack [...]

July 9th, 2019|

KFC’s Cheetos Sandwich: Skip This Orange-Drenched Mess

Let’s get this out of the way first — the container for KFC’s Cheetos Sandwich is a piece of art. The card stock box depicts the top half of Chester Cheetah’s head, so that when you open the container, it’s as though the Cheetos spokescat is opening his mouth. Sure, [...]

July 1st, 2019|

Mid-October Saturdays Are Meant for Arby’s Venison and Basketball

About a month ago when a source within the fast food industry alerted me that Arby's, America's second largest sandwich restaurant chain (!), would be selling venison for one day only across the country, I had two immediate reactions: Quickly confirm that my definition of “venison” was, in fact, what [...]

October 23rd, 2017|

Announcing the Launch of the Apul Patel Detective Agency

Everyone's got a side hustle. Some people drive for Uber, I have a detective agency. In our brief yet storied history as an agency, we have a near-flawless record of delivering for our clients. There's no case too big or too small. We live to address your needs, and your [...]

September 29th, 2017|

Introducing My Pan to Smoked Salmon Bacon

One morning not too long ago I was in my local Trader Joe's (it's the one with the small parking lot that's a chaotic kill-or-be-killed mess) loading up on food to bring into my office. I was browsing pre-packaged salads because salads are healthy, and eating healthy is a religion, [...]

September 27th, 2017|

‘Glen and the Magic Taco’ Is Finally Here

Like many others who have enjoyed a meal at Taco Bell, I was deeply moved when they announced the imminent release of "Glen and the Magic Taco", their first-ever animated digital short. This was easily the biggest entertainment bombshell to drop in 2017, and I couldn't help but feel some [...]

September 26th, 2017|
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