Here’s a nocturnal tradition enjoyed by many a soul following a raucous night of excess: You’re inebriated, not ready to call it a night, and dying from hunger. You coax someone who is sober-ish to drive your ass, your significant other/side piece, and/or other useless enablers to the nearest Jack in the Box drive-thru for an ill-advised late night meal. It’s usually always Jack in the Box because their franchise agreements presumably have some clause that requires their drive-thru to remain open 24 hours a day, forever.
Everybody’s got their favorites, which may include, but are not limited to, Sourdough Jacks, curly fries, and jalapeno poppers (yes, these are all my favorites). Others may order something else, but I’ve never read 99% of the rest of the menu so I can’t list those items. However, no matter who else is in the car, everyone agrees on an item that must be ordered, and must be ordered in abundance: tacos.
Jack in the Box tacos are unlike any other tacos in the world. I’m not even sure they can be called tacos, but I guess that they fit the technical description. Jack takes a tortilla, lathers on some beef paste, folds it in half, and submerges it into a deep fryer. They’re taken out after the rim of the shell is crisp. The inner half-circle in contact with the filling is usually soggy, but that’s somehow become part of their charm. Then a half slice of American cheese is inserted, followed by a topping of shredded lettuce and taco sauce. That’s all there is to it.
During sober daylight hours, they are to be feared and treated with the same caution you would apply to handling biohazardous waste. But after 2 a.m. and in the midst of varying degrees of lucidity, they are one of the greatest food items on the planet. The best part — they’re only 99¢ for a pair. You can easily order 10 for $5, finish them off, and instantly kick yourself for not ordering an extra 20 (it’s only $10, man). Sure, you’ll regret it in the morning, but that’s your own fucking fault for waking up in the morning while I’m trying to sleep in.
So take all of the above, double the price (99¢ for one), and you’ve got Burger King’s tacos. His highness introduced them today, but they’ve been in development for however long it took their food scientists to reverse engineer a Jack in the Box taco. So if you like Jack in the Box tacos, and also enjoy paying twice as much for them, you’ll love these. If you’re not a fan of Jack in the Box tacos, you’ve probably chosen wisely, and will easily outlive this item’s residence on Burger King’s menu.
Would I order a Burger King taco again? No
How much did it cost? $0.99 plus tax
Would the actual British royal family enjoy them? Possibly. But I’m told that Brexit specifically bans folded tortillas, so we’ll never know.