Today marks the autumnal equinox — the beginning of the fall season. I usually don’t celebrate the passing of seasons, largely due to the fact that the only season in Los Angeles is face-melting heat, but I’m making an exception this time around. Due entirely to desperate boredom, I’ve curated a small list of fall activities to participate in this weekend, and I’m sparing
no expense. Here’s the plan of attack, something I like to call “Falln”:
Roll into my office decked out in nothing but fall colors (anything in my wardrobe that’s brown or orange), go out of my way to point out to others that I’m wearing fall colors, and publicly humiliate anyone who fails to applaud my Fall 2017 look/life choice. People need to realize I’m taking Falln seriously.
I don’t care much for pumpkin spice. I find it to be a largely generic and sexually impotent blend of spices. But I’m recognizing the need to conform in some areas of my life, so I’m forcing myself to enjoy it. I’m going to carry a bottle with me into every meal I sit down to, no matter what it is. Ballpark nachos? I’ll take two. A rare and expensive cut of Kobe filet mignon? Medium rare, please. Robitussin cough syrup? Gulp, gulp. Yes to anything, and I’m even open to freebasing it. If I’m not bonkers for pumpkin spice after this weekend, then at least I’ll have developed a tolerance to it.
With attendance figures in the hundreds (maybe thousands), the Los Angeles Chargers’ inaugural season in Carson, Calif. has been met with raging ambivalence. So in theory, come Saturday night, tickets on the secondary market should plummet, right? I’m willing to go as high as $20 a ticket for their Sunday matchup against the Kansas City Chiefs, and trust me, it will be worth every dollar. I’ll be practically alone in the StubHub Center, acting as a modern Roman emperor presiding over a gladiator-like battle. The only thing that could foil this plan is the prospect of Kansas City transplants increasing demand, and boosting prices. If this is the case, I’ll go to Plan B, which is hitting up the L.A. County Fair. Unfortunately it takes place in Pomona, so it may as well be on the planet of Neptune. I’ll most likely have to settle for Plan C, which is watching this fall’s biggest blockbuster action movie, “mother!”, which some say is the equivalent of watching two Cleveland Browns games. That’s hard Falln action.
I’ll spend one morning doing some good old-fashioned apple-picking at the Hollywood Farmers Market (or Food 4 Less if my wallet’s a little light). Then I’ll carry my bushel back home where they’ll get laid into some pie crust and thrown into the oven. After baking and while the apple pies cool on the window sill, I’ll watch a classic fall movie while taking shots of apple vinegar cider. This is hardcore Falln, as it has been celebrated by generations of New Englanders. Film selection: “Cider House Rules”, a light-hearted dramedy about an apple orchard that makes delicious cider. It’s based on a novel by acclaimed author John Irving, who is the literary LeBron James of the Falln set.
When I first heard the phrase “leaf peeping,” I assumed it was something perverted and truth be told, it turns out I was correct. Leaf peeping is the act of going outside to take photos of decaying leaves. Or in more eloquent terms, witnessing fall foliage capture the rustic visual tones of the season. Since L.A’s endless summer prevents us from enjoying this experience — a fact that transplants from New England cannot shut up about — I’m going to take photos of my dead house plants and post them to Instagram with majestic quotes from Robert Frost or Robert Pattison. This is peak Falln.
In all honesty, if I can achieve just one of these, I’ll consider this foray into seasonal celebrations an enormous success. And if I accomplish none of my objectives, it’s still a nominal success because the mere thought about doing something still deserves enormous praise.
UPDATE (2017/09/25, 8:00 a.m. PDT): Mission accomplished.